


I Thought

by SignedAnonymous



Category: None - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:30:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7287277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignedAnonymous/pseuds/SignedAnonymous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a companion piece to 'I Think'. Read them both, or read only one of them, or read none of them. I guess it's your choice in the end. Feel free to comment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Thought

I close my eyes, hold my breath, and think about what it would be like to die.

My face is wet when I tilt my head up towards the single light source in my room, a light fixture in the middle of the ceiling. In my windowless room, it reminds me of the sun, but it lacks all the warmth. I can see the light through my eyelids, the horizontal lines of brighter light behind them dancing across my vision, contributing to the feeling of lightheadedness I get from lack of oxygen. It's so relaxing, I haven't felt this good in a while. It feels good, knowing I tried what I could. Even though it inevitably failed, at least I didn't just give up from the start.

I took the advice to seek help and I went to counseling, It almost felt scripted. I cried it out, they gave me pills, I took the pills, I cried even harder, it got worse, and I got the pills confiscated. But I decided to keep going, I tried to make it better, and every time I went I left feeling even more isolated than I already did. If I couldn't even get a counselor, a paid professional, to understand what I was feeling, how could I get anyone else to? How could I get anyone to help me when the person with the degree in psychology couldn't even do anything to make it more bearable?

So I stopped crying, I stopped taking the pills, and I stopped going.

And it was back to square one. But it was better than the counseling square.

For a while, I thought that square one was actually me getting better. I thought I saw the world in a new light, I thought there was hope. I remember I thought the world was "thawing" from the cold, dark place it was. Turns out it was just winter turning into spring. I guess in a way it did thaw. The icy lake I was standing on thawed, the ice broke, and I was dragged under into the freezing water. I struggled to breathe as I tried to keep my head above the water. I was being dragged down, but sometimes I was able to come back up again and gasp for air. I would be surrounded by darkness, then suddenly be thrust back up into the light, sputtering and squinting from the stark contrast, then be dragged back down again. It felt like I was constantly fighting.

I fought that battle for a while until I asked "what's the point?" I spent all this energy trying to stay afloat, I'm tired and drained from fighting this losing battle, wouldn't it just be better to stop fighting? Just let myself go and see where I head? Suddenly, drowning didn't seem so bad.

The bottom looked so dark, so quiet and peaceful. I wouldn’t need to worry about air, because there would be none, so there would be nothing to fight over. It would be so nice to not need to fight for a change. Just drifting, no need to fight for breath. Feeling that lightheadedness as the oxygen was used up, eventually falling into blackness. Finally, finally being able to sleep. Being able to stop being tired, being able to finally rest. The bottom didn’t seem so bad after all.

So I slowly stopped kicking and screaming and let the water drag me down, let myself drown.


End file.
